18
Jan
10

My fall from the Heavens and my first swimming lesson


The light blinds me in as I say goodbye to my mother, grandmother, second born child, mother Teresa, Gandhi and all the people i met as St. Peter opens the gates to let me out. I look back blow a kiss to my wife as a tear drops down my cheek and assure her that I’d see her soon. I walk through this long corridor where I am confused by all the noise. It’s Hitler bullying everyone. I hear George Bush screaming in pain like a bitch as he is ass whooped by Osama, holy cow there is Saddam Hussein waiting in line. Purgatory, I think to myself. The Highest Department of Corrections.. a little too late though. St. Peters tells me of the gangs in there. The North Koreans who hate everyone. The Iranians who hang out with the Afghanis and Iraqis. The Russians who hate the blacks who include the Americans, Mungiki, Somalis Mugabe and Museveni. Some politicians in there buy their freedom from the gangs via the two Armenian hitmen; the Artur brothers. In there I notice there are many man-u fans and the angels read my mind and tell me, “son, Red Devils can’t get into heaven”.

I am about to ask about my enemies when Someone shoves me and I plummet downwards my joy turning into sorrow. The light turns into darkness. I head straight into that 6ft hole with my name on one of the two planks joined together by rusty nails. People start to dig the sand out and crack open my casket to reveal my wrinkled face that was already starting to rot. They cover their nostrils in disgust. I open my eyes and instead of shock or sorrow I’m greeted with smiles ululation and a thank you Jesus. They get me up and we head to the hospital bed where my health improves, my memory recollects and days after I’m strong enough to play with my grand children. I struggle to remember their names though. The next few years are spent crisscrossing the world spending my retirement benefits and spoiling my grand children. My wife too comes down from the heavens and spends the next few months recovering from the accident. We spend countless times together as our last born daughter marries that guy whose name I cant remember. We witness the failure of vision 2030 and bless our first-born son with a five acre piece of land. He builds his home here next to ours and we occasionally see him (that’s good right?). His wife is pregnant with the third child as our second born child comes back from heaven too and starts to fight the fatal leukemia afresh. He does not look good and his improvement is slow. He celebrates his sister’s graduation and the birth of his niece. I come back from retirement and get demoted after one year. Then I serve at the same desk for the next 10 years before I’m demoted again. My salary is meager but my wife runs a retail shop which she loves and stocks grains and grocery.

Our daughter goes to high school after she loses her virginity. Her elder brother is in college and starts to party a lot. I on the other hand start to cheat on my wife with a girl. She drives me wild with her energy. I am at my prime, 48 is the number. My wife resents me not because she knows but because I have failed her. I am not as well off as her ex the guy she feels she should have married. My second son finishes school abroad and comes back to a college in Nairobi. His sister goes to primary school as his brother joins secondary school. I get a loan to build my home before changing jobs and careers like socks. My wife is happy and 5 years later, our youngest child sits for her K.C.P.E. Followed by her two brothers. Years later we celebrate our first anniversary before i marry her, the love of my life. To do so, I lie to make her the happiest girl on the planet. She becomes my girlfriend then we start dating and become friends. Then I meet her for the first time. I get my first job then sit for my final year exams and finally join campus. The years rush past. And before i know it I am in high school. The 4 years are long and tough on me, this is where I officially become a man. I survive to join primary and then kindergarten school.

Finally I learn to speak my first words and walk my first steps before seeing light for the last time. I die into my mother’s womb where I am thrown into the deep end and learn how to float. Then I win some egg cracking race before swimming away with my brothers.

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3 Responses to “My fall from the Heavens and my first swimming lesson”


  1. February 7, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    Excellent post!!!!!

  2. 2 liz
    May 24, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    Great…and definitely lovin this part!!!! “son, Red Devils can’t get into heaven”…

    • May 24, 2011 at 4:17 pm

      Thank you.. 🙂 Hahaha that was a bit of football banter


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Kinyua Gichohi

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